Derailing the motivation train

Today I was under the impression that I had quite a bit to get done. Because of this, I began working on my papers, readings, and general homework items as soon as I got back from my morning class.

I worked for perhaps three hours straight, getting much of my to-do list finished. Unfortunately, I still had some left even after working diligently for so long.

I took a break for lunch, intending to get back to work right afterwards.

Well, about that.

After lunch I was unable to do any work. Now, I do not mean that I had some trouble with motivation. No, no, no. I could not do any more work. I tried. I failed. No more work for me.

I spent the afternoon doing useless things instead of getting things done.

This happens all too often.

Well, what do you do? Me, I just give up after a while. Then, I redouble my effort for the next day, which leads to another afternoon of nothingness.

It's a vicious cycle.

Ubiquity

It is almost Thanksgiving. I am so blessed to be able to spend a few days of this time with my family. I'm doubly blessed to be able to spend two days more than usual at home.

Here are some more things that I am thankful for:

• Skype, in order to see my lovely nephews who are growing way too fast
• Blankets aplenty (it is cold in my house)
• A break from homework - I've always determined to not do homework during breaks, even when I should. I therefore take no homework with me. This is really good for my sanity.
• Extended family that is not technically related to me
• People at work who are always positive despite some of the shit that happens
• Graduation in 178 days
• The 178 days until graduation
• The artistic skills of those around me
• Having enough money to even consider going to Israel (despite my worry about not having enough)
• The chance to go to my home church on Saturday
• Advil (Seriously, I sometimes wonder what I would do if things like this hadn't been invented)
• My own computer, which is mad sexy
• Christmas break in three weeks
• Israel in six weeks

Wow, there are so many more. I learned that there are actual health and psychological benefits to expressing thankfulness. I think we should all take some time to think about what we're thankful for, instead of complaining about every little thing. It's pretty great.

Some old poems

I really like writing poetry. Unfortunately I don't think I'm usually that good at it. I've written some poems that I do like. I think I like these ones, but I'm not completely sure.

There you sat

A ghost from the past

Nonchalant

Nothing to say

I stopped dead in my tracks

Shocked, invisible

Forgotten days recalled

Dead memories revived

On my knees, begging reprieve

Stop holding me close

Stop saying those words

Let me live and move on

Stop falling in love

It's all been a dream

Forever a dream

I hate your fucking dreams

I barf as quietly as I can into the porcelain

Try not to wake your sleeping angel face

Can't bear the thought of your little feet innocently plodding to your crucifixion

Bottles littered over the tile

Blood dripping across the slanted floor

Your superhero dying in the trash

Sleep, sleep, let your perfect dreams live

Never, ever wake up

Or wake only to smiles, a clean floor, and a nutritious breakfast

Sleep, sleep, and dream not of your beaten superhero

Weak in the fact of disguised kryptonite

You are perfect

Never grow

Not into a stained, broken superhero

Your foul, thick air

Washes over my brain

I live for a moment with room to breathe

I live for the time before you and me

Your pervasive stench

Wills me to suffocate

Suffocate in your lies

And your foul, thick memories

Screw you

I'm afraid of fire.

When I was young, I stared into one for hours, mesmerized

I reached out to touch it

My mother pulled me away, screaming about the pain it would cause

I didn't touch it, but I've been afraid since

When I became an adult, I avoided it as best I could

When face to face with my fear, I would close my eyes

One day I peeked.

I was a child again, staring, mesmerized.

I reached out to touch it

My mother was not there to pull me away

I touched it, and I'm not longer afraid

It pulled me in

It covered me

It killed me

I touched it again

I'm not afraid of fire.

Did I hold on too long

When we last touched?

Did I say something wrong

When we last spoke?

I don't care

You've seen who I am, I've seen you

This is not you

Your world is full of colors

You're killing them shades of grey

Your world is filled with wonder

You're seeing it in 2-d

That work of art you just painted

You call it death

So if I hold on too long

Or say something wrong

Forgive my wonder, forgive my awe

I'm moving you to see

Your life's great poetry

My heart is covered in excrement

Sometimes I feel like I'm digging through the manure pile that is my heart and shoving all the shit that resides there elsewhere.

That's what prayer is like sometimes.

Dig. Hey, God, my friends are leaving at the end of the year, and I can't take it. Slop. Here. You take it.

Dig. Hey, God, I can't figure out my semester. Slop. Why don't you?

Dig. God, money sucks and I don't want to deal with it. Slop. Can you fix that?

I'm trying to dig out all of the crap that's there in order to find something that is supposed to be beautiful. When I dig it out, I don't know where else to put it except at God's feet. It's ridiculous that he's willing to take it, but he does.

I still feel like my heart is covered in shit, but it gets better. With every shovelful I know that God is on my side.

The registrar hates me

I have spent the last week or so gearing up to start studying so I can take the Biology exemption exam. I need to test out because there is not a single intro level Bio course that will fit my schedule next semester. If I don't take it next semester, I don't graduate in May. So I'm going to test out instead.

But guess what? There might be a Bio course that fits my schedule because my favorite class for next semester was just cancelled. Huzzah. This is the third time in as many terms that I've had a class cancelled that I had been really excited for.

Seriously. The registrar does not want me to enjoy my classes. Or graduate. Or anything.

Speaking of graduating. Holy. Shit.

I'm going to graduate in 6 months, 18 days and 34 minutes. And then I get to attempt to fit into the real world. Wow.

Or maybe I'll just go to more school and delay the real world for as long as possible.