You again?

As I embark on my senior year in college, one thing I've noticed with increasing frequency is the amount of people around me that are in serious dating relationships, getting engaged, and getting married.

Everyone is pairing off.

Everyone.

...

Why?

As I was discussing this phenomenon this evening with some other single ladies one of them brought up the alarming possibility of waking up next to the same person for the rest of your life.

We talked about how there would have to be some days that you woke up and thought "Damn. You again?"

I don't feel qualified to make a decision like that at this point in my life. Granted, it's been a long time since I've come upon a man I'd be willing to spend more than a few hours with, much less the rest of my life. I suppose that if I ever meet someone that I can tolerate for longer than my usual upper limit I'll know it's love.

I'll ask him to marry me immediately (of course).

Why do people get married so young?

Relationships Suck more than Root Canals Sometimes

Do guys talk to each other about relationships and relationship choices? ... I think a lot of women do. Not necessarily all women, but certainly almost all of the women that I know do.

For example, a few days ago, a friend of mine told me a story about how she and this guy sort of started a kind of relationship over the summer. After she moved back for school, they emailed back and forth some, but nothing was ever really set in stone. The problem was, while she really liked the attention, she wasn't entirely sure she was all that interested in him (at least not anymore). What was my advice to her? I said two very specific things: 1) be honest with him. 2) You are simply not allowed to lead him on.

This is a recurring theme. I've had this conversation with women before, and it always comes out to be honest, and do not lead him on.

Do guys have conversations like this?

I can't imagine that they do. If they did, things like this wouldn't happen:

(the following is a conversation between a man and a woman spanning over a few months which took place in various forms)

Guy: You're hot. And I think I'm attracted to you.

Girl: It's mutual. On both counts.

Guy: I really wanna be with you.

Girl: Me too, but about you.

Guy: But I can't right now. My life is really messed up. I need some time.

Girl: Holy crap. Me too.

Guy: So we'll wait some, ok?

Girl: Yeah

And the backpedaling begins

Guy: But don't wait for me. If you find your prince charming, go ahead.

Girl: I'll wait for you.

Guy: Please don't expect too much.

Girl: ....... ? ...... Ok.

A week later

Guy: I miss you

Girl: I miss you too

A week later

Guy: I wanna come see you.

Girl: Absolutely

Guy: I was going to come this weekend, but I couldn't get someone to dog sit.

Girl: ... Oh. ... That's really ... That sucks.

Guy: Yeah, it does.

Girl: I miss you

Guy: .... .... ... ... I miss you too. But we can't talk like that.

Girl: You're probably right. Too soon.

That is the moment that started everything else. Soon the girl was questioning everything. She asked him, point blank, several times what it was that he really felt and how he wanted to play this thing out. He was elusive.

Finally:

Girl: You need to give me an answer about all of this.

Guy: ... I want to keep my options open, but I can see you won't let me. ... I made a mistake when I said those things a few months ago. I don't think we'll ever be together.

Would a guy tell his friend that he's not allowed to lead a girl on?

I hope so.

Hallelujah, Amen, You are Dismissed.

Men make me nauseous.

I'm not joking. Every single time I see a man, I have an intense urge to throw up. Maybe I'm some kind of new era feminist. Feminism is so ingrained in me that it has moved to my bodily functions.

Or maybe not.

Perhaps it's true that I've been hurt a few times. To be precise, it is definitely true. When I am hurt, I go through cycles of being ok and full of forgiveness and then being horribly angry and unforgiving. The following may have been in one of my more unforgiving states of mind after being hurt by, you guessed it, a man.

When I told you that I had forgiven you, I'm not sure I was correct. It's not that I was lying, but I may have been mistaken. I'm so angry with you. I'm angry about how you treated me. I'm angry that we're not together. I'm angry about the kind of person you seem to have become. I'm angry that we're both pretending everything is ok. I'm angry that I care so much. I'm in love with what we could be together, but I fucking hate how often I am reminded of how much we fall short. All of my dreams of you are turning to dust before my eyes. The sandcastles I'm trying to build out of this dust don't cut it as a replacement. I miss you. Or more accurately, I miss who I once believed you were. I want to wake up to find that you're that beautiful person I always thought you were. I want to believe that you are. I want us to bring out the best in each other. I want that faraway picture I had to come true. But most of all, I want to sweep away my dusty sandcastles and forget you.

Stupid man. Yet lovely. See? I'm still conflicted.

I was at church a few weeks ago, ruminating about this man and several other things that occasionally go horribly wrong. As I prayed, I got this feeling that God was trying to say something to me, so I shut up for a moment and what I heard was:

I love you so fucking much.

Hm. God swears. Who knew?

There is something broken

About a hallelujah

Hallelujah says

I'll praise you anyway

Hallelujah says

You are God despite

Always despite

Despite my aches

My tortures and sins

In every rancid moment

You are God despite

Hallelujah

If God is willing to swear to get my attention, I'm willing to do all I can to praise him, even when there are men (and others) all around me trying to make me nauseous.