Why I don't need a boyfriend

Today someone stood right next to me and said "I want to be with you more than anything." I think maybe I was imagining things.

When I was about 15, I wrote a poem basically to the effect that God was my boyfriend and I wasn't looking for a human boyfriend.

It was a really awful poem.

I think I wrote it in backlash to someone I knew that was going from guy to guy because she was desperate for a boyfriend.

The premise of this poem was ridiculous and the poem itself just sucked, but I still think about it sometimes when I'm trying to convince myself that I don't need or even want a boyfriend.

And it's true. I don't need a boyfriend. I often don't even want one. The grace of my God is sufficient for me. I believe that. I believe that he comforts me when I am broken and gives me hope when I am hopeless. I believe that he is with me when I am lonely and holds me when I am crying.

But sometimes ...

Sometimes I want to have someone that will call me beautiful. Someone that more than anything else wants to spend time with me. Someone who is hilarious but thinks I'm funny too. Someone who is there for me when I need it. Someone to learn how to Salsa with. Or Tango. I'm flexible.

Here's a little secret: my last actual relationship was almost 5 years ago. I was really young. It doesn't even really count.

So maybe ... Maybe I just want to know what all the fuss is about.

Tomorrow perhaps I'll wake up happy and single again. I can wait. But sometimes it is a struggle. Sometimes I feel like a bad feminist because of how much I wish I had a boyfriend.

But here's what I know for sure:

Someone did tell me they want to be with me. And when that someone was hanging on a tree, he told me that he would never let me down, even when I was at my worst. And I believe that he was telling me the truth.

The painting on the wall is slightly crooked.

Damn you and your stupid stupidity.

By you I of course mean me.

Damn me and my stupid stupidity. Or at least my stupidity. I could do without it.

There was once this man that I was incredibly attracted to for a long time. Say, at least two years. More, really.

The first stupid thing was allowing myself to continue being attracted to him despite the knowledge that he did not return the compliment. While it is difficult to simply stop yourself from being attracted to someone, it is possible. I should've done everything in my power to get away from it.

The second stupid thing was writing about it. You may have noticed that I enjoy writing. I wrote about him. I lamented my attraction for him while at the same time justifying it.

The third stupid thing is the habit I have of reading things I've written long after they've been written.

Do you remember when we were young and some people would be called "boy crazy" or "girl crazy"? I was one of those girls that was called boy crazy. I was. I am.

This is a problem. I'm a boy crazy feminist.

I don't need a man, I just want one.

Why everyone should wear shirts (always)

Last night, imagine my consternation upon walking out of my bedroom and into the living room to see my roommate's boyfriend sitting on the couch, shirtless.

Now, my roommate's boyfriend is not awful looking. Nor is he incredibly handsome or chiseled. But those things, in my mind, don't really matter when it comes to shirtlessness.

Granted, it was getting pretty warm. But, you certainly did not see me or any of my roommates taking our shirts off and walking around in our bras.

Does this come down to a modesty issue? ... Sort of.

You will say that men are much more visually geared, so a woman walking around without a shirt would be a bigger distraction.

While that may be the case, I still think men should wear their shirts as women do.

Here's my reasoning:

An incredibly chiseled and buff man without a shirt on is indeed a distraction for women. Believe me.

Any other man is simply kind of gross without a shirt on.

So, men, unless I have fallen madly in love with you, please keep your shirts on in my presence. Just as a favor to me.

You don't see me walking around in my bra when I get hot.

(Note: There is an exception with swimming. This I can understand. A lot of extra fabric can be really annoying in this case)

Why are all of my posts about men?

Relationships Suck more than Root Canals Sometimes

Do guys talk to each other about relationships and relationship choices? ... I think a lot of women do. Not necessarily all women, but certainly almost all of the women that I know do.

For example, a few days ago, a friend of mine told me a story about how she and this guy sort of started a kind of relationship over the summer. After she moved back for school, they emailed back and forth some, but nothing was ever really set in stone. The problem was, while she really liked the attention, she wasn't entirely sure she was all that interested in him (at least not anymore). What was my advice to her? I said two very specific things: 1) be honest with him. 2) You are simply not allowed to lead him on.

This is a recurring theme. I've had this conversation with women before, and it always comes out to be honest, and do not lead him on.

Do guys have conversations like this?

I can't imagine that they do. If they did, things like this wouldn't happen:

(the following is a conversation between a man and a woman spanning over a few months which took place in various forms)

Guy: You're hot. And I think I'm attracted to you.

Girl: It's mutual. On both counts.

Guy: I really wanna be with you.

Girl: Me too, but about you.

Guy: But I can't right now. My life is really messed up. I need some time.

Girl: Holy crap. Me too.

Guy: So we'll wait some, ok?

Girl: Yeah

And the backpedaling begins

Guy: But don't wait for me. If you find your prince charming, go ahead.

Girl: I'll wait for you.

Guy: Please don't expect too much.

Girl: ....... ? ...... Ok.

A week later

Guy: I miss you

Girl: I miss you too

A week later

Guy: I wanna come see you.

Girl: Absolutely

Guy: I was going to come this weekend, but I couldn't get someone to dog sit.

Girl: ... Oh. ... That's really ... That sucks.

Guy: Yeah, it does.

Girl: I miss you

Guy: .... .... ... ... I miss you too. But we can't talk like that.

Girl: You're probably right. Too soon.

That is the moment that started everything else. Soon the girl was questioning everything. She asked him, point blank, several times what it was that he really felt and how he wanted to play this thing out. He was elusive.

Finally:

Girl: You need to give me an answer about all of this.

Guy: ... I want to keep my options open, but I can see you won't let me. ... I made a mistake when I said those things a few months ago. I don't think we'll ever be together.

Would a guy tell his friend that he's not allowed to lead a girl on?

I hope so.

Hallelujah, Amen, You are Dismissed.

Men make me nauseous.

I'm not joking. Every single time I see a man, I have an intense urge to throw up. Maybe I'm some kind of new era feminist. Feminism is so ingrained in me that it has moved to my bodily functions.

Or maybe not.

Perhaps it's true that I've been hurt a few times. To be precise, it is definitely true. When I am hurt, I go through cycles of being ok and full of forgiveness and then being horribly angry and unforgiving. The following may have been in one of my more unforgiving states of mind after being hurt by, you guessed it, a man.

When I told you that I had forgiven you, I'm not sure I was correct. It's not that I was lying, but I may have been mistaken. I'm so angry with you. I'm angry about how you treated me. I'm angry that we're not together. I'm angry about the kind of person you seem to have become. I'm angry that we're both pretending everything is ok. I'm angry that I care so much. I'm in love with what we could be together, but I fucking hate how often I am reminded of how much we fall short. All of my dreams of you are turning to dust before my eyes. The sandcastles I'm trying to build out of this dust don't cut it as a replacement. I miss you. Or more accurately, I miss who I once believed you were. I want to wake up to find that you're that beautiful person I always thought you were. I want to believe that you are. I want us to bring out the best in each other. I want that faraway picture I had to come true. But most of all, I want to sweep away my dusty sandcastles and forget you.

Stupid man. Yet lovely. See? I'm still conflicted.

I was at church a few weeks ago, ruminating about this man and several other things that occasionally go horribly wrong. As I prayed, I got this feeling that God was trying to say something to me, so I shut up for a moment and what I heard was:

I love you so fucking much.

Hm. God swears. Who knew?

There is something broken

About a hallelujah

Hallelujah says

I'll praise you anyway

Hallelujah says

You are God despite

Always despite

Despite my aches

My tortures and sins

In every rancid moment

You are God despite

Hallelujah

If God is willing to swear to get my attention, I'm willing to do all I can to praise him, even when there are men (and others) all around me trying to make me nauseous.