Scum

Also, in honor of International Women's Day (which was yesterday) and Women's History Month (which is now), read this: SCUM Manifesto.

I certainly do not agree with everything (or most things) in it, but it is certainly interesting (and definitely amusing at points).

Why I don't need a boyfriend

Today someone stood right next to me and said "I want to be with you more than anything." I think maybe I was imagining things.

When I was about 15, I wrote a poem basically to the effect that God was my boyfriend and I wasn't looking for a human boyfriend.

It was a really awful poem.

I think I wrote it in backlash to someone I knew that was going from guy to guy because she was desperate for a boyfriend.

The premise of this poem was ridiculous and the poem itself just sucked, but I still think about it sometimes when I'm trying to convince myself that I don't need or even want a boyfriend.

And it's true. I don't need a boyfriend. I often don't even want one. The grace of my God is sufficient for me. I believe that. I believe that he comforts me when I am broken and gives me hope when I am hopeless. I believe that he is with me when I am lonely and holds me when I am crying.

But sometimes ...

Sometimes I want to have someone that will call me beautiful. Someone that more than anything else wants to spend time with me. Someone who is hilarious but thinks I'm funny too. Someone who is there for me when I need it. Someone to learn how to Salsa with. Or Tango. I'm flexible.

Here's a little secret: my last actual relationship was almost 5 years ago. I was really young. It doesn't even really count.

So maybe ... Maybe I just want to know what all the fuss is about.

Tomorrow perhaps I'll wake up happy and single again. I can wait. But sometimes it is a struggle. Sometimes I feel like a bad feminist because of how much I wish I had a boyfriend.

But here's what I know for sure:

Someone did tell me they want to be with me. And when that someone was hanging on a tree, he told me that he would never let me down, even when I was at my worst. And I believe that he was telling me the truth.

Do I owe it to my gender to get a doctorate?

I've considered this question off and on for a while now.

I have the intellect and the motivation to go to grad school, get a masters and then keep going and become a doctor of ... something.

But I don't even know what.

... And I don't really want to.

The thing is, I've thought a lot about how great it would be to become a doctor. Especially as a woman. I want to be an example for young girls who want to be ambitious career women rather than homemakers. I think a lot of young girls want to be homemakers, and that's great, but honestly, they have enough role models as it is.

What about that middle school girl who really wants to be a CEO of a company, but all of the women she knows decided that wasn't for them?

I sometimes feel like because it is in my power, I should take hold of the unique opportunity that I have to show other women that it is possible to take hold of your dreams.

But then again, those aren't my dreams.

It's something I've struggled with some, as a feminist. I'm not going to go to grad school after I graduate. Maybe eventually, if I feel like God's nudging me in that direction. If I find something I really want to explore more. But for now, I'm going to ferociously go after my dreams, and hopefully women and men both will see me and know that if I can accomplish my dreams (with God's help), they can as well (with God's help).

Also, I do not hate men. Just wanted to clarify. I like men quite a bit, actually.