Today ... Is difficult.

This hallelujah is to say I'm angry

To say I'm hurting

To say I don't understand

This hallelujah is to say why here, why now?

To say I'm struggling with trust

To say my heart is broken

This hallelujah is to say that I hate what you're doing to me and I kind of want out, but I'm trying, and I really need you right now.

Shall we air some more complaints?

No ... No we shall not.

I feel like I've been doing quite a bit of complaining lately. It's not really intentional. I apologize.

To balance it out, I'd like to tell a couple of stories.

In three days comes the third anniversary of the death of a beautiful woman in my church. She was in her mid twenties, and she killed herself. It simply was not fair that she died. I was not that close with her, but I was very close with some people who were close with her. Besides that, I did know her. And she belonged to my church. She was my sister. On the first anniversary of her death, I had a very bad day. I wanted to yell and scream but could not find the appropriate venue to do so. Instead, I tore myself up inside, very quietly.

That night, I was hanging out with three very dear friends. I told them about what was going on and asked them to be praying for me. The four of us went on a walk and had a lovely time hanging out at a playground at about four in the morning. There was a point where I couldn't handle laughing anymore, so I separated myself from the others and climbed onto the top of the monkey bars to look at the sky and weep. My friends took notice quickly and asked to pray with me.

It still hurts, thinking about what happened. But I am so unbelievably thankful that God gave me those three friends to comfort me and pray with me that night.

And now, during another difficult time, I've been somewhat reclusive. My roommates have, apparently, noticed. I came back to the apartment to find flowers with a note voicing their support and love in my difficult time.

Lord, you have been so faithful to me in the people you have placed around me. It sucks to say goodbye, but I know that you are with me and I know that you will always put people around me to support me. I know this because you have done so. Thank you.

The painting on the wall is slightly crooked.

Damn you and your stupid stupidity.

By you I of course mean me.

Damn me and my stupid stupidity. Or at least my stupidity. I could do without it.

There was once this man that I was incredibly attracted to for a long time. Say, at least two years. More, really.

The first stupid thing was allowing myself to continue being attracted to him despite the knowledge that he did not return the compliment. While it is difficult to simply stop yourself from being attracted to someone, it is possible. I should've done everything in my power to get away from it.

The second stupid thing was writing about it. You may have noticed that I enjoy writing. I wrote about him. I lamented my attraction for him while at the same time justifying it.

The third stupid thing is the habit I have of reading things I've written long after they've been written.

Do you remember when we were young and some people would be called "boy crazy" or "girl crazy"? I was one of those girls that was called boy crazy. I was. I am.

This is a problem. I'm a boy crazy feminist.

I don't need a man, I just want one.

Now.

I am an incredibly impatient person.

I want a lot of things, and I want them right now.

I want to be financially solvent. I want a boyfriend (I hate this about me). I want a 24oz bottle of Diet Coke or a can of DrPepper (make that two cans). I want a motorcycle. I want a friend who relies on me as much as I rely on them. I want three or four cds and a few books. I want to see my nephews. I want to go to The Melting Pot. I want to never have to stand in line again.

Unfortunately, some of those things I may never get. I will have to wait for all of them for between three months and five years (or more ... with the possible exception of the pop).

Learning to wait well is difficult.

When I wait, I'm usually waiting kicking and screaming and whining. At least internally. Why am I so impatient?

I'm not sure. I've been learning about patience. I have started to slow down and take a deep breath every time I start to get upset with someone driving slowly in front of me. I sometimes chuckle, thinking, hey, maybe God is trying to teach me patience.

What about the things I really need? What about the things I long for most? Why can't I have them?

I don't know.

I'm trying to learn to rely on God. I'm trying to let go of misplaced priorities. I'm trying to learn to wait.

God is taking care of me.

He loves me.

I can wait.

Why I love being childish and others don't

I was reading the blog of an old friend wherein she described the joys of bendy straws. I realized, to my delight, that this was something we shared in common. The extreme pleasure found in using a bendy straw rather than a boring old non-bendy straw.

Other childish things I enjoy are:

-Laughing when I'm not supposed to (such as in church or a meeting)

-Hula hoops

-Dressing up in crazy outfits and trying to make people laugh

-Going into stores where I cannot possibly afford anything that is being sold

-Staring at the sky

-Playing with bubbles

-Standing on furniture

... There are so many more. This is really just a few.

Unfortunately, not everyone shares my joy in doing childlike things. In fact, I have been called immature on more than one occasion of late.

Why do you suppose that is?

I kind of think that some people are jealous. I am able to take delight in some of the smallest wonders. You should try it sometime. I'm probably having more fun than you are.

Dignity is an absurd notion.